|
| |
Answers to your personal questions from someone who
cares........ 
DEAR PAT: Six
months ago, I had a serious brain injury and have been unable to return to work.
I recently found out that my husband is having an affair. I want to confront
him, but I am worried about what happens if he leaves me. I’m not sure I can
take care of everything on my own.
PAT'S RESPONSE: A place to start may be simply asking him how he
feels about you, whether he is satisfied in the marriage, and what he would
like to see change to make things better. Talking to your husband about
these issues may give you an indication of how he will react if you confront
him, and whether he wants to work on the marriage. It will also give you a
better idea of how he feels and whether you think the marriage is worth
saving.
Before you make a decision about what to do, you need to remember that
you are an important, valuable person who deserves to be treated with
respect. The second thing to is to remember that you won’t be alone. Your
family, friends, neighbors, or religious community are likely sources of
support. You are not alone and you won’t be alone no matter what happens.
People will be there to support and help you. Don’t be afraid to ask for
help.
Ultimately, you will have to make a choice. You really only have two
choices.
Seek a divorce
Try to work it out
If you want to seek a divorce, you should consult an attorney before you
confront your husband. You need to know your rights and how to protect
yourself legally. Don’t just leave the house before consulting an attorney
–especially if you have children. In many states, this is considered
"abandonment" and can hurt you in court. Seriously consider whether you
really want a divorce.
You will also want to talk to family and friends about the type of help
and support you’ll need. Find people who will help you around the house or
provide transportation. Finding a therapist that specializes in divorce is
often a good idea. Many people benefit from talking to an expert about how
to adjust to life after divorce. If you have children, consider arranging
for family sessions for them to discuss their feelings about the marital
separation. Talk to your doctor, therapist or counselor about what resources
may be available to assist you should you need them.
If you want to work it out, you have to tell him you suspect an affair.
Doing nothing won’t make it go away. You will need marital therapy. Very few
couples can resolve the anger, feelings of betrayal and lack of trust on
their own. Consider the quality of the marriage before his affair. Affairs
can be a symptom of long-standing marital problems, not the cause. Were
there problems adjusting following the injury or did problems exist before
you were hurt? Is the relationship worth salvaging? How long has it been
since you felt the marriage was strong? Was it strong before you got hurt?
Remember, if you decide to work it out, you will have to be prepared to work
toward forgiveness. Both of you will have to work hard to regain trust,
intimacy, and commitment.
If you want to work it out, the hardest part will be facing the
possibility that your spouse might not. The thing to remember here is that
if he doesn’t, your marriage isn’t going to improve anyway. Talking to him
is the only way to find out if he’s willing to try. You may want to consider
talking to a therapist about your dilemma. A therapist can help you decide
how to approach your husband, and how to cope with things if he decides he
doesn’t want the marriage any more. Either way, it won’t be an easy road.
A good man is hard to find. Too bad a bad man isn’t.
DEAR PAT: We are being accused of shaken baby syndrome
and we did not do it. We don’t know how it happened. I have bumped my
5-month-old son’s head on the car door and my five-year-old daughter
accidentally kicked him in the head. However, I’m told neither of these could
have caused his injury. I’ve read other stories saying it doesn’t have to be a
hard hit. If you have any information that can help, please let us know.
PAT'S RESPONSE:Shaken baby syndrome is a constellation of brain
injuries that occur after the baby has been shaken violently. Infants with
shaken baby syndrome typically have subdural hematoma, cerebral edema, and
may show retinal hemorrhage. In other words, there is bruising and bleeding
in the brain and often retinal damage due to violent shaking. Other injuries
consistent with shaken baby syndrome can include neck injuries, skull
fractures, or bruising or broken bones to the arms of chest (where the baby
was grasped). The injuries result from the force generated by shaking the
child violently back and forth. Studies have shown that the forces necessary
to cause these injuries greatly exceed those sustained in routine play,
infant swings or fall from low height. Certainly your child bumping his head
on the car door or being accidentally kicked by a five-year-old would be
insufficient for this type of injury. There is no other medical condition
that mimics all the features of shaken baby syndrome.
Why are babies shaken? Most often it is the result of caregivers who are
frustrated with crying. Shaking the baby often results in the child
appearing dazed or drowsy – and the baby often stops crying (reinforcing the
caregiver for the behavior). Unfortunately, the baby’s drowsiness and
silence is usually the result of brain damage. Shaken baby syndrome can
result in blindness, permanent disability, or death. I hope that your child
is able to make a good recovery.
DEAR
PAT: About 10 years ago, I fell out of a truck that was towing a camper. I
was run over by the back wheel of the truck and had numerous cuts and bruises. I
was very lucky to be alive! The most serious issue after my accident was a
"personality change." Everyone noticed it! My sister said it was like I was a
stranger! My taste in food, music, and clothes changed. I even lost a fear of
heights I always had! Is this type of change common?
PAT'S RESPONSE: Actually, personality and behavior changes are quite
common after a brain injury. Many people experience a decrease in inhibition
– making them less anxious about things. On the other hand, it can also make
them more impulsive, aggressive or irritable. Some people even describe the
person as being calmer and quieter after an injury. It’s hard to predict and
sometimes the changes are temporary. Also, sometimes people who experience a
traumatic event that brings them close to death make changes in their lives
that have nothing to do with a brain injury.
DEAR
PAT: Hi! About two years ago I fell and hit my head and was found
unconscious. 6 CT scans later no one can find any "damage," yet I still have
intermittent memory loss and now symptoms of stroke. What should I do? I can’t
afford to keep having CT scans.
PAT'S RESPONSE:CT scans are good at showing many types of physical
damage to the brain. However, they aren’t perfect and there can be damage
that the CT scan doesn’t pick up. I would suggest that you consider a
neuropsychological assessment. This evaluation won’t tell you what your
brain looks like. Instead, you will be given a number of tasks related to
attention, memory, auditory and visual processing and visual-motor skills to
assess how your brain is working. In many cases, it may be helpful to also
have a follow-up evaluation in about 6 months to determine if things are
getting better or worse or staying the same.
DEAR
PAT: I am writing regarding a friend with a brain injury. Do you have any
recommendations for a person who refuses to seek professional help to deal with
his behavior? He thinks it is going to get better, but it is only getting worse.
PAT'S RESPONSE:The best thing you can do is to continue to provide
your friend with feedback about his behavior. If he does or says things that
make you uncomfortable or embarrassed, let him know. Encourage other friends
or his family to provide feedback as well. Be sure to balance criticism with
positive feedback. Remember, if the behavior is due to a brain injury, he
may not always be in control of his behavior. Some people aren’t aware of
the impact of their behavior on others. Don’t give up. Have faith that
things can always change for the better.
DEAR
PAT: I suffered a severe brain injury this past August and according to my
neurologist I am between 85-90% back to normal. However, I have returned to work
in a very busy environment and am still only part time building back up to my
full-time position. We had an impromptu meeting last week and I was thoroughly
upset. I was sure they were picking me apart even though they told me it was
supposed to be constructive criticism. I wonder if that is a normal response and
if there would be something that I can do to make this whole transition easier
for myself as well as my co-worker.
PAT'S RESPONSE:There is virtually no one who has sustained a severe
brain injury that does not experience some difficulties returning to work.
Most jobs require a number of skills such as attention, memory, auditory and
visual processing, reaction time, and good motor skills. Even relatively
minor disruptions can cause problems on the job. Imagine a lawyer who has
even slight difficulties remembering case law or a truck driver who can’t
pay attention to the road. Even jobs such as working at a fast food
restaurant can require people to work quickly in a high stress environment.
Many people also find they have more difficulty coping with stress and are
more easily frustrated.
There are a couple of things you need to consider. The first is whether
or not your employer is supportive of you and willing to show tolerance as
you re-integrate into the workplace. A supportive employer is extremely
important for people returning to work after a brain injury. If you believe
your employer and co-worker are supportive, talk to them about your
situation and ask for feedback. If you don’t think they are supportive, find
out about your rights in the work place. You may have rights under the
Americans with Disabilities Act or other legislation.
The second is whether or not you’re ready to come back to work. Many
people simply come back too early before they are ready.
If you haven’t already, consider having a neuropsychological assessment.
This can help you identify your strengths and weaknesses. Think about
consulting with a psychologist or other therapist that specializes in
rehabilitation. They may be able to offer you good ideas, suggestions for
compensatory strategies, stress management techniques, and provide a neutral
perspective that you can’t get from friends or family members.
If you want more help, a new book titled "The Brain Injury Work Book: A
Guide to Living and Working Productively" is available from the National
Resource Center for Traumatic Brain Injury. This book is written for persons
with a brain injury and provides a number of useful ideas related to working
(or not) after injury. Ordering information is available on this website.
|
