CHAT WITH PAT

Answers to your personal questions from someone who cares........Pat answers your personal questions about brain injury with compassion and practical advice. The identity of authors submitting questions to Pat's column will be kept strictly confidential.

DEAR PAT:  I’ve recently re-entered the dating scene after 4 years of absence.  I had a brain injury in 1998 and lost my girlfriend soon after.  It really hurt that she didn’t stay with me.  I was pretty mad and had a hard time trusting people for a while.  I’m completely over her now, but I am afraid of dating someone new.  I don’t think anyone would really want me because of my head injury.  I get embarrassed easily and can’t think of the right words to say all the time.  I don’t want them to think I’m dumb, so I usually avoid being around a lot of people.

After many weeks of pestering me, my older brother finally talked me into going on a date with a family friend.  I thought the date went great.  We went out to dinner and then to a bar, partying until 2 a.m.  I told her all about my ex-girlfriend, how she left me high and dry after the accident, and how long it’s been since I’ve been out on a date.  We talked for hours about my brain injury and what I went through getting better.  I took her home, but she wouldn’t give me a goodnight kiss.  When I tried to call her the next day, she wouldn’t even talk to me.  I left messages, but she hasn’t returned my phone calls.  What do I do now? Dating Dud

 PAT’S RESPONSE:  Sounds like you two had quite a night!  Without being a fly on the wall (or in your soup), it’s hard for me to guess what went wrong on your dinner date. I do know that you are not the only person to have ever felt confused after a date.  Years of reading letters from brain injury survivors about this topic have certainly been educational for me.  Dating can be a complicated process for anyone, but it may be especially hard for someone recovering from a brain injury.  Let me share with you some ideas from “Pat’s Secrets of Dating after a Brain Injury.” 

q       Get in shape. 

§        Taking up two theatre seats won’t impress her.

q       Before you ask for a first date, find out what the other person likes to do. 

§        Does he or she like to go on picnics, see movies, or play golf? 

§        Have a set plan when you ask someone out if your date doesn’t have a preference.  You might say, “Do you want to go to the movies with me on Friday?”

q       No matter what your friends say, hygiene is important.

§        Go beyond basic cleanliness (bathing, brushing teeth and hair).  Try ironing your clothes, getting a haircut, and trimming your nails.

§        Your date may not tell you if you’ve got poor hygiene, but a second date is not likely.

q       Watch your temper. 

§        Nothing turns a date off worse than yelling at the waiter.

q       Keep your hands to yourself.  

§        Don’t assume it’s okay; Ask before you touch.

q       Don’t talk too much about yourself.

§        Encourage your date to talk about his or her interests, life experiences, etc.

§        Look for social clues to change the topic (poor eye contact, yawning, waving down the waiter for the check).

q       Think before you speak.

§        You won’t impress her by accurately guessing her real weight or age.

§        Don’t tell everyone stories about your underwear.

§        She won’t be impressed by stories about how drunk you got.

§        Don’t talk about sex on the first (and probably the second and third) date.

q       Don’t get your date drunk. 

§        You’ll probably get drunker.

q       Good manners are always appreciated.

§        Don’t make noise when you eat.

§        Say “Please” and “Thank you.”

§        If you invite someone out on a date, you should expect to pay.

Remember, dating can be complex with many “rules” to make things go more smoothly.  Next time you ask someone out for a date, choose a person you are truly interested in knowing better.  Good luck on all your future dating adventures!